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I was peacefully painting my nails pink and green to take the place of the already fallen sakura petals for the upcoming Entrance Ceremony while watching The Tourist on TV when I saw the most awesomest commercial ever. Yes, its level of epicness requires the use of incorrectly formed superlatives and nouns.

出陣

The full 60-second spot isn’t on YouTube so I can’t embed it, but here it is on Nisshin’s website.

While I can’t catch all of the dialogue, I did my best to do a a transcription and translation.

[Globalization]

President: From today, our company’s official language will be English!
Employees: Whaaa?
(The army sallies forth)
Cavalryman 1: What’s the President thinking?
Cavalryman 2: I got 300 on the TOEIC*…guess I have to change jobs huh.
Cavalryman 1: I’m only Eiken level 3.** I couldn’t possibly use English now…
Cavalryman 2: If it were Japanese (??????)
Cavalryman 1: Is that the new boss?
Boss: Hi!
Vanguard: (While charging) Hi!!
Boss: Nice to meet you!
(The Japanese vanguard is hit by the cannonade)

Vanguard: What great pronunciation!***
Vanguard: It’s no good!
Vanguard: (???) the dictionary, the dictionary!
Vanguard: It’s no use!
Commander: (Orders archers to fire)
Archers: Howatto iz yoa neemu?!!!! (Fire arrows)
(The volley falls short of the Western army)

Boss: Pardon?
(The second wave of the vanguard gets hit by cannon fire)
(Someone): He didn’t understand!
(Someone): His pronunciation…it’s too good!
(Someone): Good score!
Cavalryman 1: (Brandishing sword) Don’t take Eiken Level 3 lightly!!!
Cavalry: (Charging) Good morning!
Boss: (Aims gun) How are you?
Cavalry: Fine, thank you! And youuuuuu?!?!!
Caption: You can’t fight on an empty stomach.
Cavalryman 1: (Jumps from his horse, bringing his sword down on the soldiers in the midst of the Western army)
Voiceover: Survive. Cup Noodle. Nisshin.

Notes
*TOEIC = Test of English for International Communication. A composite score of 300 would indicate extremely low English competency; a good score would be 855 to the max of 990. Well, so says Wikipedia.

**Eiken = The EIKEN Test in Practical English Proficiency, also known as the STEP Test. It has 7 total levels, level 3 corresponding to the level expected of Japanese students after completing junior high school.

***While it seems strange at first to say that the native speakers have great pronunciation, it stems from the idea that Japanese are so used to hearing katakana English that they are surprised by how different natural English as spoken by native speakers sounds, sometimes to the point of not being able to understand it even if they would have understood the katakana version.

~~~

Ahahaha…so there it is. Judging by the sound effect at the end, it seems Cavalryman 1 was able to land a direct hit on one of the Western soldiers, though in the video it looked like they all cleared out of the way.

In case Nisshin takes the CM off their site after a while, here’s the 30-second edit on YouTube.

My favorite lines:

英検3級なめるな!!!

英検3級なめるな!!!

How are you?

How are you?

XDDDD

I think I’m gonna have to buy a cup of Cup Noodles to thank Nisshin for entertaining me, while not thinking about Cavalryman 1 potentially having killed a native speaker of English with English as his weapon. >o<;;;

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